the how many days ago parts are wrong because i had to repost this...
8 days ago, on Jan. 12, 2010, i was over at amber and vanessa karazsia's house. we were on facebook just goofing off, actually taking a break from planning david labahn's going away party. so on the side of facebook there are always advertisements for christian dating websites. so i mentioned to vanessa jokingly that we should join one. she then informs me that she already has and that she would love to make me an account on one called christiandatingforfree.com. so we go on and make an account for me. the whole time i'm thinking that it's stupid and how i can't believe i'm actually signing up for an online dating website. so that night i talked to a few guys. we mainly looked at some profiles and sent some guys messages. but the good part came the next day, exactly one week ago on wednesday Jan. 13, 2010. it was in the morning and i didn't have plans for the whole day except home group later that night. so this guy matthew starts talking to me. and of course i continue the conversation. that day we talked for hours. i don't even remember exactly how long, but it was until i had to go to home group. and we never ran out of things to say to each other. it was all exciting and fun. i FINALLY had a guy pursuing me and i couldn't have been more excited. so the days go on and we talk as much as we can. i hadn't started school yet so whenever he wasn't in class, we'd talk. and i really started liking him. he was easy to talk to, he made me laugh, and right away i felt comfortable being myself while talking to him. and i could tell that he started liking me too. so it's day 3 or 4, it was either friday or saturday i can't remember. and i kept calling matthew loser. but he called me loser one time and i told him that he needed to come up with a different nickname for me because his was loser and we couldn't both call each other the same thing. so he said, well how about i scare you, can i call you baby. i told him that it was a little too early for that. he said he understood and would stop. he stopped for that day but then the next day, he started again. he was calling me babe, baby, sexy. all that stuff. don't get me wrong, i loved it. it literally made my heart skip a beat every time he called me one of those names. then we started this thing where i would ask him a bunch of questions one night then the next night he would ask me a bunch of questions. by now he's calling me babe 4 or 5 times during our conversations. so some of the questions he was asking me where: what are you gonna wear on our first date? stuff like that. and he'd told me that he misses me and wishes he was with me, and i'd tell him the same. cause i did. when i wasn't talking to him, i wanted to be. and when i was talking to him, i couldn't get enough of it. but i was getting too attached, too soon. i needed to do something about it. so i talked to a few people, martha dolan, vanessa karazsia and my co-worker heather crowe. martha said to delete my account. so did vanessa. heather said that she could tell i wasn't going to delete it, so i needed to talk to him and tell him what was going on. so last night Jan 19th, 2010 i went over to vanessa's house so she could make sure i told matthew everything i needed to. and i did. i told him that him calling me those names made everything harder. oh i forgot to mention that he lived in north carolina! lol. so those things just made not being around harder for me. and the talk about our first date, was making me give him pieces of my heart that are meant for my husband. so i told him those conversations needed to en because i needed to guard my heart. i mean he lives in another state, what if i dream up all these things and they never happen. then i'm just gonna be disappointed. so i told him all of this and he said he was sorry and he understood. so since then it hasn't happened. i told him that i still wanna talk to him and get to know him better but without those things and he agreed.
so here is my dilemma. i still think i like david. and there's this part of me that wants to ask him if he ever saw us going out. because if he says no, then i can continue to pursue a relationship with matthew. but if he says yes, then i can stop talking to matthew and pursue a relationship with david. but then there's this other part of me that doesn't want to say anything to david. because what if i do and he doesn't wanna date me. will i lose his friendship? i don't know if i'm willing to do that. but at the same time, i have another guy who likes me and would date me, as far as i know. lol. but i just don't know if i would be ok not being friends with david.
and the thing about matthew is that he's so far away. we couldn't have a real relationship. it would continue to be online and over the phone until one of us was able to move. and when/would he ever come visit me? there are just so many uncertainties with matthew. but with david, he's here in san diego. he lives 15 minutes away from me. i can see him all the time, hang out with him, we can go on dates. and we don't have to go months at a time without seeing each other.
i really just can't decide if asking david about us is really worth losing his friendship. i mean we're finally really good friends. he asks me to hang out and he follows through, the majority of the time, when he says he'll hang out with me. but with matthew, we wouldn't be able to have that for a long time. until one of is was willing and able to move to be with the other.
and i don't know if i could handle being in a serious relationship with matthew and not seeing him.
it's all just so confusing and i have no idea what to do. so i'm going to give it up to God. and i'm going to continue to pray that God would take it out of my hands and make it His problem. because right now i feel like it's too much for me to handle. but i know that God never gives us more than we can handle. so i just need to trust that God has a plan for all of this and as long as i trust in Him and follow His ways, i'll be able to work this out. i just need Him to be my strength and i need to lean on Him, not my own understanding.
